There is a beautiful person I work with who I wanted to make sure to mention. I have known her for nearly 2 years (I believe) and have grown to respect her to the highest degree. She has shown me how to make fun drinks behind the bar, given me advice and help when I needed it most, and she gave me a caring listening ear.
She wrote this to me when I had just found out I was pregnant. I kept it as a reminder of who I was and who I want/need to be for my son.
Dee; Thank you for all you have done for me. You are the one person who will always tell me straight up what I need to do and how to fix things.You truly are a wonderful person and I am so glad to have you in my life.
Aw...Sammie, you made a commentary that I am writing for a magazine, so I thought I'd send it to you. I see a lot of myself in you, I am also the oldest child from an alcoholic family and I see you doing a lot of the exact same things I did. You are kind of my mini-me. But I thought I'd excerpt the blog and send it to you. If you need anything let me know.
*****
Welcome to the end of the world as you know it. As of your due dates, the world will no longer officially be about you, it will be about diapers and feedings and vomit and diarrhea.
And, of course, the deepest and most pure love that ever existed.
I am actually jealous that you will get to have your own little bundle of hope, one that you can constantly look at and find an ever-evolving world of your eyes, his hair, your crooked pinkie finger. I myself have wanted another one of these for so so so long, but it isn’t meant to be apparently.
I actually think you will be a pretty good mother. But don’t be stupid and think that you can do this all by yourself, because you can’t. The entire endeavor of raising a child will require the assistance of your entire family, a community of schoolteachers, coaches, and babysitters, friends and a whole host of other people that will be required in order to do this successfully. Do not turn down their overtures. Because babies turn into children, who turn into people. And we want our little people to be the best that they can be.
It is now time to grow up. Having a baby is not about the pretty strollers and cribs and accoutrements that go with a baby, but rather being a steady and loving influence on another living being. You will want to have the very best for your clean, sweet-smelling baby. That means that you will not want a keg party, random bar pickup, marijuana, or even bad grammar around your baby. Everything you do, from getting your college degree to vacuuming your floor, will be about improving life for your baby.
Can you handle this?
Monday, May 3, 2010
to get it started
Okay so here is the scoop - I had a baby 5 months and I am thinking it messed with my hormones a bit which lead me to be a little bumpy. Apparently, I have put up a wall to keep people out because life is a bit of a struggle right now. I am not very good at talking about my feelings, and writing would hurt my hands after a while, so I am trying this. I figured it's all better out than in and the chances of people seeing it are kind of small- so why not. :)
So from the beginning.
I am in college still and a whopping 21 years old. Better than being in high school and much better than being 18 but still young I think. I have only lived here in Ohio for 2 years now. I moved here from Oregon and I do like it here. I serve and bartend at a corp. place. (I signed a contract basically saying I would not say the name in a blog, facebook, myself, etc.) The management frustrates me from time to time but I do love working there for the time being. They really do work with me when it comes to taking care of Brayden.. oh my son. My family is super supportive but is highly disfunctional as I sure you will later read if I keep this up. I still love them all so much though and I would be lost without them.
So to get you caught up to speed with my life and what has been bothering me, I am going to break it up into categories...
Brayden Charles
Brayden is my beautiful son. He is 5 months old and smiles more than anyone else (adults included) in the world. He is allergic to everything fluffy, that smells good, and blooms. I am getting good at keeping up with his medications though. He has blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He grawls, grunts, yells, and makes the mmm sound.
As much as I love him I cannot deny that he was very very unplanned.
Bryan
Bryan would be Brayden's dad. If you can call him that. He does not finacially help at all and only asks to see Brayden when it is the best possible time for only him. Bryan and I were pretty hot and heavy for awhile. He was something new. He took me to dinners and basketball games - he treated me like I was a god that he s luckily got interested in him. We never were really official. I could not get myself to commit; I am not one to settle and since I was not crazy about him that is exactly what I would have been doing. Which in the end would have only hurt him. Yes - then I cared about him. We went out and drank and partied alot. I mean we were college students.. why the heck not. Well clouded judgement is why not. That and a robbery at the cvs while he was waiting to buy the morning after pill.
Oh happier times with him. Well I found out I was pregnant and he wanted me to get an abortion. At that time I considered it - but that was before we went for my first dr appt a week later and I saw my little ones heart beat on the screen. Well he did not like that and he dipped. I did not hear from him or get returned phone calls until I was about 7 months pregnant. We did lunch and I asked him to do this with me because I wanted to know what he was planning on being in our childs life. He said he did not want to be a part of it.
I must have cried for days. But I got over it and focused on being happy. Which I was. Then came the time for me to be induced. That was horrile. But it was also when he finally called after months. Asked if I wanted him there. My dad was there - would not have been a good idea. Plus at that time I hated him. He left me. He did not want our son. So I told him no. I wanted to enjoy my 1st day as a mom.
He came to the hospital. For 30 minutes. That was all I saw or heard of him for about 2 weeks maybe?
That is how it has been. Its a week by week basis. Sometimes he will want to see Brayden and then not again for 6 weeks. It's whatever. I use to care but I do not now. What bothers me is how he constantly lets his girlfriend decide how he is goin to live and when he will see his son. It is a joke really how controlled she has him.
I am going to give you an example of the kind of stuff Bryan does to me - and I am not going to tell you about any other of his past nonsense because the blog would be hate mail and I would run out of cyber space. Just know that he does this kind of stuff on a regular basis.
Today - Had class at 7:30 am. A midterm in the class no less.It takes me 20 minutes to get to campus and parked from my house. From daycare, which does not open up until 8 am, it takes about 40 minutes. Well Bryan said last week he would take Brayden today so I did not have to pay for daycare (its hourly and he would be there 10 hours today) and so I could make it to my class to take my midterm on time...
side note - my dear friend stephanie TODAY IS HER BIRTHDAY :) normally takes him to daycare for me on mondays and wednesdays and then we do lunch inbetween our classes.. so today I did not want her to have to wake up early to watch the little man.
Well. I called him at 5:45 when I woke up.. and every 15 minutes after that until 7:15. He did not answer. He did not take Brayden today like he said he would. He instead decided to sleep at his girlfriends and put his phone on silent - god forbid he sets an alarm. you think having a college degree would mean he could handle that. Nope. So I had to wait til daycare opened to drop Brayden off and missed my whole midterm because it was bumper to bumper traffic. And this is what Bryan said via text..
"I am sorry. Maybe if you were not so psycho about my girlfriend you could have dropped him off here she would have been happy to allow that"
lesson learned: make the guy wear a condom no matter the birth control you are taking.
p.s. this was a long post. I am drained. Be back later :)
So from the beginning.
I am in college still and a whopping 21 years old. Better than being in high school and much better than being 18 but still young I think. I have only lived here in Ohio for 2 years now. I moved here from Oregon and I do like it here. I serve and bartend at a corp. place. (I signed a contract basically saying I would not say the name in a blog, facebook, myself, etc.) The management frustrates me from time to time but I do love working there for the time being. They really do work with me when it comes to taking care of Brayden.. oh my son. My family is super supportive but is highly disfunctional as I sure you will later read if I keep this up. I still love them all so much though and I would be lost without them.
So to get you caught up to speed with my life and what has been bothering me, I am going to break it up into categories...
Brayden Charles
Brayden is my beautiful son. He is 5 months old and smiles more than anyone else (adults included) in the world. He is allergic to everything fluffy, that smells good, and blooms. I am getting good at keeping up with his medications though. He has blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He grawls, grunts, yells, and makes the mmm sound.
As much as I love him I cannot deny that he was very very unplanned.
Bryan
Bryan would be Brayden's dad. If you can call him that. He does not finacially help at all and only asks to see Brayden when it is the best possible time for only him. Bryan and I were pretty hot and heavy for awhile. He was something new. He took me to dinners and basketball games - he treated me like I was a god that he s luckily got interested in him. We never were really official. I could not get myself to commit; I am not one to settle and since I was not crazy about him that is exactly what I would have been doing. Which in the end would have only hurt him. Yes - then I cared about him. We went out and drank and partied alot. I mean we were college students.. why the heck not. Well clouded judgement is why not. That and a robbery at the cvs while he was waiting to buy the morning after pill.
Oh happier times with him. Well I found out I was pregnant and he wanted me to get an abortion. At that time I considered it - but that was before we went for my first dr appt a week later and I saw my little ones heart beat on the screen. Well he did not like that and he dipped. I did not hear from him or get returned phone calls until I was about 7 months pregnant. We did lunch and I asked him to do this with me because I wanted to know what he was planning on being in our childs life. He said he did not want to be a part of it.
I must have cried for days. But I got over it and focused on being happy. Which I was. Then came the time for me to be induced. That was horrile. But it was also when he finally called after months. Asked if I wanted him there. My dad was there - would not have been a good idea. Plus at that time I hated him. He left me. He did not want our son. So I told him no. I wanted to enjoy my 1st day as a mom.
He came to the hospital. For 30 minutes. That was all I saw or heard of him for about 2 weeks maybe?
That is how it has been. Its a week by week basis. Sometimes he will want to see Brayden and then not again for 6 weeks. It's whatever. I use to care but I do not now. What bothers me is how he constantly lets his girlfriend decide how he is goin to live and when he will see his son. It is a joke really how controlled she has him.
I am going to give you an example of the kind of stuff Bryan does to me - and I am not going to tell you about any other of his past nonsense because the blog would be hate mail and I would run out of cyber space. Just know that he does this kind of stuff on a regular basis.
Today - Had class at 7:30 am. A midterm in the class no less.It takes me 20 minutes to get to campus and parked from my house. From daycare, which does not open up until 8 am, it takes about 40 minutes. Well Bryan said last week he would take Brayden today so I did not have to pay for daycare (its hourly and he would be there 10 hours today) and so I could make it to my class to take my midterm on time...
side note - my dear friend stephanie TODAY IS HER BIRTHDAY :) normally takes him to daycare for me on mondays and wednesdays and then we do lunch inbetween our classes.. so today I did not want her to have to wake up early to watch the little man.
Well. I called him at 5:45 when I woke up.. and every 15 minutes after that until 7:15. He did not answer. He did not take Brayden today like he said he would. He instead decided to sleep at his girlfriends and put his phone on silent - god forbid he sets an alarm. you think having a college degree would mean he could handle that. Nope. So I had to wait til daycare opened to drop Brayden off and missed my whole midterm because it was bumper to bumper traffic. And this is what Bryan said via text..
"I am sorry. Maybe if you were not so psycho about my girlfriend you could have dropped him off here she would have been happy to allow that"
lesson learned: make the guy wear a condom no matter the birth control you are taking.
p.s. this was a long post. I am drained. Be back later :)
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